So you think you're a hot mess

When I was growing up, I was the "model" child of the neighborhood. I didn't fight, I didn't hang out, I go home once I finished school, I didn't curse, I didn't want to stare at boods like any other boys (and I did not know I was gay back then). I opened the doors for the elderlies, I always know how to be polite and never forget to say thank you. Every family wonder why the Sim has such a nice boy...the answer was, I was grown to be an obedient son. Whatever mommy said, whatever daddy said, whatever godmom said. I listened. I was scared of the authority. Questioning them was a big no no, unless I would like to get wipped.


Then I grew up, in the US. Like every teenager, I went through the phase of disobedience. I hang out till midnight, I drank, I smoked, watched porns, then went on and had sex with a man, and another one, and another one...basically I did many things that I shouldn't be doing before I turned legal age. After I came out to my family, I felt like I was the worst seed of the house. I have a loving parents, both of my sisters are happily married, I have neice and nephew, brother was dating this Christian special educator/social worker who was very very nice and sweet... they all tried to go to church like any other members of the family...and me, a gay boy who dyed his hair blue and green. Went out party and making out with don't-remember-his faces hot man, and cried out loud when the man didn't return my call the next day

"I want to have a happy family too...with a man, who has a cute butt, and nice mustache, and washer board abs..."

While the family, mostly my dad, responded "you want to have sex with that place where shit come out? You want to get AIDS? You want to die alone without any children? You dirty dirty little....how would you feel to break the heart of your parents, who have nurtured you so hard, worked so hard and bring you to america...and now you say you want to be gay????"

I felt guilty time to time, but when I reached certain age, I has given up feeling guilty. "I'm dirty, what the heck." And then I realized, the fact was, my family has already given up makign me feel guilty too. Its not much that they are becoming more accepting. Oh, that would have been heart warming. But things have been getting out of hand for them as well.

First, my mom passed away, which brought my entire family into a stage of confusion. I didn't realize how big of an impact my mom's depature would make to us at that moment. Then things slowly emerged. Sister didn't like brother's wife, brother wife was no longer sweet and nice but became demanding and picky. Fights broke out all the time and now my they just ignored each other even when they run into each other in subway. Big sis's husband came out and announced that he has fathered a daughter in the past 3 years, and he wanted to leave my sister and his two children. Big sis went into a depressed and angry mode that it was almost impossible to talk to her without having her cursing at her ex husband everytime. Then my father...whom I should be very proud of him. Within the 2 years time spam since my mom passed away, he first dated a woman from church, she even came to my graduation ceremony and my entire family were frown upon. Then he broke up with her, and went back to Malaysia and now married to another woman whom he believed is more "obedient."

When I was in Malaysia, I met the woman. She was kind. Tried a bit too hard when she called me everyday and tried to make sure that I am safe and sound....Well, if I was not an adult, I would have said "you are not my mom" and hang up. I did not. I said to myself, if dad is happy, let him be.

Tonight, I found out another news. THIS WOMAN IS ACTUALLY MY DAD"S THIRD MARRIED WOMAN???? So apparently, my dad went to Vegas and got married with that church woman. That woman even spent 5k to renovate her house, installed a big kareoke machine so my dad can live his love. Then when my dad came, he began to feel that he couldn't take orders from this woman. He decided to break up with her.

WAIT WHAT!! A 70 years old man has much more interesting drama than me? A 25 young gay man?? I tot I was the messed up one! Why did you take that title away from me? I am entitled to be a drama queen! Now that your life is more dramatic than me, I feel discriminated!

First day of work [Everything begin all over again]

I thought I have had enough of Japanese Corporate Banking experience...no, I am taking another one down now.

After quitting my last job at Bank of Tokyo, went back to Malaysia for a week, I am now a new employee of Mizuho Corporate Bank. This job offer swiftly came to me out of no where, and I just took it because...I am not even sure why.

So I picked the first day of work to be my 2nd days after I came back from Malaysia, which is 12 hrs tim zone difference. So, I SEVERELY JET LAGGED for the night before my first day of job. It was not a sweet idea!!! rolling left and right wondering what ill happen tomorrow, going in and out of my bedroom looking for foods...then 6am came, I got to get ready. I said "screw this!" I took shower, got dressed, and just waked outta my apt with Lady Gaga's songs on my iPod "I can do this I can do this I can do this! AH AH ROMA ROMA MA!!!"

I remembered my hour start from 930am, so I took my time. I got on the local train coz I wanted to catch some more sleeps, turned out that I was more energetic than Ms. Gaga...so I tuned to Mr. Lambart, hoping that his hypnotic voice can lure me into his Mad World. Nope.

I got outta train at Bryant Park. Lined up at Starbuck wondering how many shots I should inject into my body today so I can survive the first day of work. Then for some strangest reason, I decided to become a lil bit "detail-oriented" and pulled out my orientation slips -- Its says please be in the office by 9 AM.

And it was 9:10 AM then.

I ran like some crazy mad man from 42nd St to 49th St...men in suits gave me dirty wall-street stares, women with trays of coffee almost screamed when I ran passed them, cars and trucked honked at my fashionable J-walking. I got to the building, my phone rang. They were already wondering if I were coming.

Of course, I made it there 20 minutes late, and made them deleted 20 minutes of the new hire orientation materials. There's was another new hire who could be in his late 30's or 40's might be wondering "yea, kids now a day with his Generation Y working ethic"

Lateness is like my nemesis. I got into trouble for being late in high school. Teachers called my home becaue of my lateness. Professor in college complained to my guidance counselor for my lateness. I was late for my AP exam (though I passed it) I was late for my Fellowship interview, though I got it. I was excessively late while working in BTMU. The whole commuting to another state excuse did not helped me much but I didn't get fired. I was even late for the interview in this new job. Well, now a new job, am I going to keep up my decade old habit?

After the 3 hrs orientation, I went into my office. My boss looked at me and said "I thought you wouldn't come today!"

I smiled...then I couldn't feel my lips. I realized my Malaysian 1AM bedtime has officially hit me, and I got 4 hours ahead of me. Things to stimulate my energy? 90 sth pages of operational manuals to read for the remaining 5 hours

March...

So its March, it means the year end of my bank is coming (busy time with long working hours) and also year-end job performance review.

I know I shouldn't, but I am hoping for a raise and some bonus. Though I was not like the shinest star, but I think I work very hard to learn things. Though I did show my disinterest in this job, I feel that I work much harder than people who entered during the same period as me. I expect at least some raise.

There's been a lot of thoughts about selling my co-op apt here in Flushing and just fly to Japan, but the next question was, what am I gonna do after I come back? I seriously have no idea. Then I was thinking about selling it, and mortgage a condo and renting it out, so at least I have a back up. But then there come two problems of lacking of fund, and lacking of people who can monitor in the condo while I am gone...

So what am I gonna do?? It is really sucks to be an adult isn't it? Becoming an adult during the crisis is even worse. Becoming an adult with a child in his heart during the crisis is the worst. Becoming an adult with a child in his heart holding a dream of heading back to Japan during the crisis is just....deadly wrong!!

I got to talk to Kevin a few days ago, which was good... he seems like he is doing well, might go to Ghana for the summer.
Went to movie with Sean, Ashley, and a co worker of mine who came back from the JET... It is interesting that I was kinda creating a clique of people who have nippon-craze. We went to watch Tokyo! and talked a little about our experience in Japan. It seems like Ash is the only one like me, feeling trapped in the US and wanting to go to Japan everyday.

As of my personal life...I have been hanging out with this kid named Kenny, whom Nihiru has met when he was dating my ex-close-friend. Things can be as innocent as it seems, or it can be as complicated as peopel surrounding us think. We went to Niagra Fall together, hang out almost every weekend, doing shit like shopping for grocery, eating out, movies, then we signed up real estate classes together, then we went to Britney Spear concert together...(oh btw, Brit is so bad, I love her!!)
So sometime I do wonder if there's sth between us. Or it could be just a sense of companionship that I am enjoying. But all in all, he is the one who have been giving me all the light and pleasure in my life recently. Without him I would really feel so lonely and depressed.

So yea...that was a lil brief update of my life lately...

TWO UPCOMING MOVIES THAT I LOOK FORWARD

oya...guilty as plead..I am a chick

Smelly Cat

It's been 10 days after New Year, I have not gone out as much as I expected.  During xmas eve, I had to OT until 8 pm, during new year eve, I didn't leave office until 830...Is my job really really demanding? It is at some level, but how come everybody else left earlier than me? 

I think I have found my workaholic gene.... I just do not want to leave office sometime, despite the fact that I don't like this job.  I have to admit I have grown a lot as a person in the past six months working there. I learned a lot of corporate loans...learn about how destructive office politics can do to a company performance, and learn that how I can be a bitch and asshole at work when others were trying to be mean at me...

I will always remember the following anecdotes...

During the quarter end, I didn't have much time to have lunch...I ran to the cafeteria with my lunch box and planning to heat it up..then a coworker of mine sitting there eating some panini that he bought for 7 dollars downstair..

"Oh Ricky..why aren't you eating your lunch?" 

"No man..too busy... I want to finish my work as soon as I can..."

"But..you won't get paid for lunch...you know that right?"

"Yea...but I really have a lot of stuff to do...very busy."

"Everybody are busy..."

"Yea I know..."

"So why are you so retarded and work so slow? "

"...."

    At that moment, my easily-frustrating self told me to give him a nice big punch on his pathetic face, because I really had no idea how to give him a come back..but my modest asian self was like "whatever...leave it...drop it..."

So I turned around and just when I was about to walk away...I bursted out "you know, not everybody are as experienced as you, still working as an administrator at this operational department even when you have hit your 30's."  

I believe he got my offensive comment...because he said "Fuck you!" 

YES...Assholes...a common breed that is unique in their every own way.  I never knew how many of these creatures I needed to deal with.  More and more of them emerged to my face after my boss asked me to do a report update, which is an assignment usually assigned to the officers.  And I am just too tired to hear or see them opening their mouths.

 Just a few weeks ago, another co worker of mine gave me a phone call 

"Ricky, piece of advice, you need to mind your own 'queue' (it is like a to-do work pages).  Don't waste your time on the fucking report that the AVP asked you to update on daily."

Then..few days later...another co workers walked by...

"Oh wow...ricky, you are so hard working...you are updating the report? Why are you doing this report? you know, no one cares about your report..."

I admit I am an aggressive achiever at work, or in any field that I involve in.  This comes with a cost of being the target of jealousy in the midst of cubicle politic.  And man, why couldn't I be bitchier..

Nicole~ you are right, I am not mean enough~ teach me to be meaner!! So I can be more eligible for law school...hahaha 

so...

two more days to go before the christmas...four more days to go before my birthday...

Nope...don't feel any celebration spirit at all this year...too much shit happened in the family...to a point I do not even know how to respond.  Then too much shit at work...

Can't wait till Jan interview...then my feb LSAT...so I can finally decide where I will be heading next summer.

I was looking through some facebook pic of friend of friends...who is studying abroad at Waseda and partying every night at Arty Farty...O GOSH! it's so deja vu...!! He's like living the life that I once lived! Freakier part many of his album have the same titles or content that I have...lucky bitch...got to stay in Tokyo for a year...

 I serious miss partying...I sometime wonder if I have passed that age and will lose the capability to shake it off~ lol I hope not...this job can wear me out, but it can't take the rikki outta me! lol 

Anyway...thats it for now...will have more later

Got Book?

I am weird...

That's might not be adequate to describe who I am...

So I am weird and I hated Twilight...and I secretly dreamt about different fantasies based on twilight setting few nights after I watched that movie...

no...not enough to describe my anomaly

I am just too weird that I don't enjoy fiction and I love non-fiction. I love non-fiction that I sometime got teary eyes when  I was reading outlier...

Still not weird enough? 

Ok..the book that I am currently reading is the People's History of the United States...and today I imagined myself as a Aztec Indian sitting on NYC subway train and the English were pointing guns at me throughout my commuting ride to work...then I saw my boss Ho Chi Minh there...

PIC!

OK I take it all back...

Outliers' last two chapters were jaw dropping....too well written and I was actually touched, emotionally, at some point.

So I printed out some of the pictures us three took in Kansai area...and planning to put it in my cube...the reactions I predict to have from my co workers would be along the lines of

"AW~ ricky...which one is your girlfriend?"

"Ricky, I didn't know you dig white girls, whats wrong with spanish girls?" 

May be some guys will be saying stuff like this behind my back

"I tot he is gay!" 

Well...Nicole, since I dont want to reveal anything, I can't do what you did...lol 

I would just smile silently and let them spread whatever they believe.  Hope you and becky don't mind being my office rumor girlfriends....

The truth is...I do need some pictures of some happy moments I had~ so I wouldn't feel as bored at work...

Oh Ricky...6 more months I will be working for a year...

can you do it? can you do it? 

Gladwell, you disappointed me!!!

So, Malcolm Gladwell's new book, "Outlier: The Story of Success," WHAT'S THE BIG FUSS ABOUT IT?? I don't know, but I sure did get all excited when I first saw it came out.  His previous two books inspired me so much that made me changed my majors, but his current book just does not fit Gladwell's inspiring standard! I didn't get inspired, in fact, I might have gotten discouraged mid way thru the book. What he essentially did to me so far was reminding me how much I lack of to become "successful" (Though I don't really know how successful I want to be, or whether I want to be successful.) Regardless, it kinda teased me to feel like being in such conversation 

MG: "ooh, no, people with high predetermined IQ don't guarantee you to be an outlier"

Me: "So...you are saying I can be an outlier too? I mean...I've never thought of that..."

MG: "Well, yea, but meanwhile, there are other criterion too, like you should born in such and such year, such and such month, go to schools that is technologically pioneered, you can be Jews but you can also be Asian...

Me: "Oh~ ME ME!"

MG: "Well, ahem, but then you also need to have the time (and patience) the practice something for 10,000 hours, good at practical intelligent..."

Me: Practical intelligent? 

MG: Basically something that rich kids adapted, but the poor kids missed out when they grew up

Me: I m not rich nor poor, but I pretend to be both...

MG: And you have to have knowledge to read situation correctly,and get what you want, being social savvy, know what to say to whom in where at when, 

Me: But I am a socially awkard homo~ 

MG: ... Well, then, all in all, you just don't need to have good IQ to be successful...

Me: DUH!

ok...may be I am just criticizing it too soon since I am only at chapter 3...hahaha 

Nevertheless, this is a good book...it does keep me awake when I was commuting for an hour in the morning, and it made me looks relatively more intellectual than my surrounding passengers who were clicking their iPhones...Or not, they would think I am some loser thinking that I can gain some self-help by reading a book called "Out Liar: A story of Success" 

-----------------------------------

Enough writing of my love/hate mixed feeling of Gladwell.  Back to why I was hoping for more inspiration from this book.  I think essentially I have been feeling that I have hard time interacting with the "real adults" at work.  And when Gladwell talks about practical intelligence, I was like "aw! now you just squeezed my heart." Then he went on and talking about how children learn these social knowledge when growing up..and I was like "OK! Mr. author, your words are shooting through my 23 years old heart..." The question is...am I too late to "grow?" 

Working in "real world" has became much more complicated than what I have expected. Back then I was told that I act so immature, so gay, so nice, so stupid, and people in the real world will EAT YOU UP! Then I was like "no...I have met so many awesome people...at school..." 

 Then here I am, working at the almost bottom level of the corporate caste system, the most selfish but selfless kind of all industries. (Selfish because each and all of us need to find ways to cover or shit or shift it over to others, selfless because you basically do not have your own time besides comimtting yourself at work five days a week, and leave the weekend to do your laundry, and worrying about what may happen on Monday) 

More importantly, I am working and dealing with the most diverse group of people...ever! Not to mention that about the races (outta 36 people in my dept, may be 3 I consider whites, if I could tell correctly that they are not hispanic white) There are 4 main languages being used there, Spanish, Chinese, Tagalog, and ghettohood accented English.  When I write "Good day, have a good night" in my email, they were like "Why are you being so polite? Don't write too much talk too much, you never know what you will get yourself into."  

So here is a brief rundown of the people I worked with:

1) Paranoid + racist fobbish middle aged Chinese ladies: They are one of the bitchy sharpest tongues in the lunch room.  (while the other is the young college kids, which I will advance more later).  They hold the cultural point of view that I was very familiar with since I grew up with two of these ladies (my mom and my god mom). I get along with them well not only because we speak the same language and I sometime can be kinda bitchy.  But also it is just fun to hear how they talking shit about people.  

"Those spanish people are just too poor.  We always bring in foods to share while all they do is eat and say thank, I never seen them bring back some food. "

" Yea yea...and that Russian always talk like he has not slept for thousand years. Must have drank too many vodkas. " 

" Oh yea, and that VP seriously stupid...Asking us to contribute 10 dollar for xmas party? Why doesn't she give us a rise first! Bitch." 

But when it comes to meeting, they are the most silent group of people...

2) Baby boomers techno unsavvyness: Most of my supervisors come from this group.  "How do you reverse what you did in Excel again?"

 "Ctrl-Z" 

"But...no...it doesnt work"

"you press CTRL and Z at the same time..." 

"Oh...."

They are slow in processing and analyzing works, but they are also the most careful people in my department.  Without them I think my department would sink...  They are patient and knowledgeable.  At the same time, they are sensitive to their seniority.  They do not like much when they are proven wrong, and they tend to be VERY stubborn and like to maintain their own working style, though they did not realize with the technology they can do the same thing with much faster pace. 

3) The whining and complaining college kids+Gen Y: YES, a numbers of the people I work with are still in college, just graduated like me, or been working there as their first/second job.  They do not take this job as serious as they may seem during the meeting.  Life always come first.  (which I do agree).  Some of them, especially the younger in age but senior in positions, are FUCKING stuck up! True, it is hard not to get impatient when facing with group of coworkers who are not as tech savvy.  But They feel that knowing so many things make the the stars at that department.  So time to time they will become the most annoying BRATS and giving you the nasties attitude, even to their supervisors and officers, just because they know that they are the next rising stars who actually know computer in this small dept.

4) Then, there are some people that I do admire.  Esp the smart and vocal middle aged women, mostly fillipino and hispanic.  They are diligent and intelligent.  They understand what they are doing.  Their outspokenness is perfect to deal with the whiny and over-confident kids, plus the insecured yet stubborn older cohorts.  Probably they are dealing with these two types of people at home as well.  I guess their only disadvantage is not being able to speak Chinese and been using soft power too much...

They need a Chinese fag...

Gladwell...teach me how to use the practical knowledge in this scenerio...NOW!! 

well...may be in your next book...I would still buy it...lol 

so enough of all the poetic feels

hmm...Haven't written online journal for the longest...but here we go...

2 more days my father will come back from M'sia...no more walking around the apt naked...nor bringing guys home...(which I did yesterday...I brought a date home and made out...and ended up refusing his request to have sex....dunno why...may be my horniness has grown outta it)

10 more days to Thanksgiving~ oh nihiru! What should I prepare for you and your long island? May be to shop around chelsea sex storesss? 

about 20 more days to my sixth month of working in that damn place...LAst night I looked at careerbuilder.com and found out the same exact job that I am doing is being paid 10,000 more in other place...what the hell am I doing there and dealing with all those stresses~ cheap jap bankers! 

3 more months...will be my LSAT...hopefully by then I will be confident and comfortable quitting my job and got my passport...then....

well... 

In the midst

It's always hard for others to understand, when I myself also can't comprehend what to come in my future...

Feeling numb to the disappointment and unhappiness, but I am starting to content such numbness.

It is not the routine lifestyle that worn me off, it is the uninspiring and underappreciatedness that shut my sense of orientation of life in the blank.

Or may be, it is me who overly expected myself and my surrounding possibilities.  

In the midst of responsibilities and traditional Asian mentalities, I am eating off myself,  

My dream, my laughters, and my sighs. 

Who to stop me from being me? Its me.

Who to regret such decision, or rather, no decision. It is also me. 

I don't want myself to keep sliding down the spiral, while it is too late to grab a hold of myself.

"You just gotta snap outta it" a friend said, "this is your life, this is your reality."  

Then...should I stay in this reality, while my motto of life is always not settle for less? 

Or perhaps, I have no right to keep my motto of life, because thats not my reality.  

First Blog...

hmm...really not sure if how long I will keep this blog..I used to have a xanga (for more than 6 years) and now I don't even check it.... but yea, I create this blogs for the awesomeness in St. Mary and many others amazingness in Japan!!!! you bitches better stay in touch!!! 

Ciao for now, more later