So you think you're a hot mess

When I was growing up, I was the "model" child of the neighborhood. I didn't fight, I didn't hang out, I go home once I finished school, I didn't curse, I didn't want to stare at boods like any other boys (and I did not know I was gay back then). I opened the doors for the elderlies, I always know how to be polite and never forget to say thank you. Every family wonder why the Sim has such a nice boy...the answer was, I was grown to be an obedient son. Whatever mommy said, whatever daddy said, whatever godmom said. I listened. I was scared of the authority. Questioning them was a big no no, unless I would like to get wipped.


Then I grew up, in the US. Like every teenager, I went through the phase of disobedience. I hang out till midnight, I drank, I smoked, watched porns, then went on and had sex with a man, and another one, and another one...basically I did many things that I shouldn't be doing before I turned legal age. After I came out to my family, I felt like I was the worst seed of the house. I have a loving parents, both of my sisters are happily married, I have neice and nephew, brother was dating this Christian special educator/social worker who was very very nice and sweet... they all tried to go to church like any other members of the family...and me, a gay boy who dyed his hair blue and green. Went out party and making out with don't-remember-his faces hot man, and cried out loud when the man didn't return my call the next day

"I want to have a happy family too...with a man, who has a cute butt, and nice mustache, and washer board abs..."

While the family, mostly my dad, responded "you want to have sex with that place where shit come out? You want to get AIDS? You want to die alone without any children? You dirty dirty little....how would you feel to break the heart of your parents, who have nurtured you so hard, worked so hard and bring you to america...and now you say you want to be gay????"

I felt guilty time to time, but when I reached certain age, I has given up feeling guilty. "I'm dirty, what the heck." And then I realized, the fact was, my family has already given up makign me feel guilty too. Its not much that they are becoming more accepting. Oh, that would have been heart warming. But things have been getting out of hand for them as well.

First, my mom passed away, which brought my entire family into a stage of confusion. I didn't realize how big of an impact my mom's depature would make to us at that moment. Then things slowly emerged. Sister didn't like brother's wife, brother wife was no longer sweet and nice but became demanding and picky. Fights broke out all the time and now my they just ignored each other even when they run into each other in subway. Big sis's husband came out and announced that he has fathered a daughter in the past 3 years, and he wanted to leave my sister and his two children. Big sis went into a depressed and angry mode that it was almost impossible to talk to her without having her cursing at her ex husband everytime. Then my father...whom I should be very proud of him. Within the 2 years time spam since my mom passed away, he first dated a woman from church, she even came to my graduation ceremony and my entire family were frown upon. Then he broke up with her, and went back to Malaysia and now married to another woman whom he believed is more "obedient."

When I was in Malaysia, I met the woman. She was kind. Tried a bit too hard when she called me everyday and tried to make sure that I am safe and sound....Well, if I was not an adult, I would have said "you are not my mom" and hang up. I did not. I said to myself, if dad is happy, let him be.

Tonight, I found out another news. THIS WOMAN IS ACTUALLY MY DAD"S THIRD MARRIED WOMAN???? So apparently, my dad went to Vegas and got married with that church woman. That woman even spent 5k to renovate her house, installed a big kareoke machine so my dad can live his love. Then when my dad came, he began to feel that he couldn't take orders from this woman. He decided to break up with her.

WAIT WHAT!! A 70 years old man has much more interesting drama than me? A 25 young gay man?? I tot I was the messed up one! Why did you take that title away from me? I am entitled to be a drama queen! Now that your life is more dramatic than me, I feel discriminated!

First day of work [Everything begin all over again]

I thought I have had enough of Japanese Corporate Banking experience...no, I am taking another one down now.

After quitting my last job at Bank of Tokyo, went back to Malaysia for a week, I am now a new employee of Mizuho Corporate Bank. This job offer swiftly came to me out of no where, and I just took it because...I am not even sure why.

So I picked the first day of work to be my 2nd days after I came back from Malaysia, which is 12 hrs tim zone difference. So, I SEVERELY JET LAGGED for the night before my first day of job. It was not a sweet idea!!! rolling left and right wondering what ill happen tomorrow, going in and out of my bedroom looking for foods...then 6am came, I got to get ready. I said "screw this!" I took shower, got dressed, and just waked outta my apt with Lady Gaga's songs on my iPod "I can do this I can do this I can do this! AH AH ROMA ROMA MA!!!"

I remembered my hour start from 930am, so I took my time. I got on the local train coz I wanted to catch some more sleeps, turned out that I was more energetic than Ms. Gaga...so I tuned to Mr. Lambart, hoping that his hypnotic voice can lure me into his Mad World. Nope.

I got outta train at Bryant Park. Lined up at Starbuck wondering how many shots I should inject into my body today so I can survive the first day of work. Then for some strangest reason, I decided to become a lil bit "detail-oriented" and pulled out my orientation slips -- Its says please be in the office by 9 AM.

And it was 9:10 AM then.

I ran like some crazy mad man from 42nd St to 49th St...men in suits gave me dirty wall-street stares, women with trays of coffee almost screamed when I ran passed them, cars and trucked honked at my fashionable J-walking. I got to the building, my phone rang. They were already wondering if I were coming.

Of course, I made it there 20 minutes late, and made them deleted 20 minutes of the new hire orientation materials. There's was another new hire who could be in his late 30's or 40's might be wondering "yea, kids now a day with his Generation Y working ethic"

Lateness is like my nemesis. I got into trouble for being late in high school. Teachers called my home becaue of my lateness. Professor in college complained to my guidance counselor for my lateness. I was late for my AP exam (though I passed it) I was late for my Fellowship interview, though I got it. I was excessively late while working in BTMU. The whole commuting to another state excuse did not helped me much but I didn't get fired. I was even late for the interview in this new job. Well, now a new job, am I going to keep up my decade old habit?

After the 3 hrs orientation, I went into my office. My boss looked at me and said "I thought you wouldn't come today!"

I smiled...then I couldn't feel my lips. I realized my Malaysian 1AM bedtime has officially hit me, and I got 4 hours ahead of me. Things to stimulate my energy? 90 sth pages of operational manuals to read for the remaining 5 hours

March...

So its March, it means the year end of my bank is coming (busy time with long working hours) and also year-end job performance review.

I know I shouldn't, but I am hoping for a raise and some bonus. Though I was not like the shinest star, but I think I work very hard to learn things. Though I did show my disinterest in this job, I feel that I work much harder than people who entered during the same period as me. I expect at least some raise.

There's been a lot of thoughts about selling my co-op apt here in Flushing and just fly to Japan, but the next question was, what am I gonna do after I come back? I seriously have no idea. Then I was thinking about selling it, and mortgage a condo and renting it out, so at least I have a back up. But then there come two problems of lacking of fund, and lacking of people who can monitor in the condo while I am gone...

So what am I gonna do?? It is really sucks to be an adult isn't it? Becoming an adult during the crisis is even worse. Becoming an adult with a child in his heart during the crisis is the worst. Becoming an adult with a child in his heart holding a dream of heading back to Japan during the crisis is just....deadly wrong!!

I got to talk to Kevin a few days ago, which was good... he seems like he is doing well, might go to Ghana for the summer.
Went to movie with Sean, Ashley, and a co worker of mine who came back from the JET... It is interesting that I was kinda creating a clique of people who have nippon-craze. We went to watch Tokyo! and talked a little about our experience in Japan. It seems like Ash is the only one like me, feeling trapped in the US and wanting to go to Japan everyday.

As of my personal life...I have been hanging out with this kid named Kenny, whom Nihiru has met when he was dating my ex-close-friend. Things can be as innocent as it seems, or it can be as complicated as peopel surrounding us think. We went to Niagra Fall together, hang out almost every weekend, doing shit like shopping for grocery, eating out, movies, then we signed up real estate classes together, then we went to Britney Spear concert together...(oh btw, Brit is so bad, I love her!!)
So sometime I do wonder if there's sth between us. Or it could be just a sense of companionship that I am enjoying. But all in all, he is the one who have been giving me all the light and pleasure in my life recently. Without him I would really feel so lonely and depressed.

So yea...that was a lil brief update of my life lately...

TWO UPCOMING MOVIES THAT I LOOK FORWARD

oya...guilty as plead..I am a chick

Smelly Cat

It's been 10 days after New Year, I have not gone out as much as I expected.  During xmas eve, I had to OT until 8 pm, during new year eve, I didn't leave office until 830...Is my job really really demanding? It is at some level, but how come everybody else left earlier than me? 

I think I have found my workaholic gene.... I just do not want to leave office sometime, despite the fact that I don't like this job.  I have to admit I have grown a lot as a person in the past six months working there. I learned a lot of corporate loans...learn about how destructive office politics can do to a company performance, and learn that how I can be a bitch and asshole at work when others were trying to be mean at me...

I will always remember the following anecdotes...

During the quarter end, I didn't have much time to have lunch...I ran to the cafeteria with my lunch box and planning to heat it up..then a coworker of mine sitting there eating some panini that he bought for 7 dollars downstair..

"Oh Ricky..why aren't you eating your lunch?" 

"No man..too busy... I want to finish my work as soon as I can..."

"But..you won't get paid for lunch...you know that right?"

"Yea...but I really have a lot of stuff to do...very busy."

"Everybody are busy..."

"Yea I know..."

"So why are you so retarded and work so slow? "

"...."

    At that moment, my easily-frustrating self told me to give him a nice big punch on his pathetic face, because I really had no idea how to give him a come back..but my modest asian self was like "whatever...leave it...drop it..."

So I turned around and just when I was about to walk away...I bursted out "you know, not everybody are as experienced as you, still working as an administrator at this operational department even when you have hit your 30's."  

I believe he got my offensive comment...because he said "Fuck you!" 

YES...Assholes...a common breed that is unique in their every own way.  I never knew how many of these creatures I needed to deal with.  More and more of them emerged to my face after my boss asked me to do a report update, which is an assignment usually assigned to the officers.  And I am just too tired to hear or see them opening their mouths.

 Just a few weeks ago, another co worker of mine gave me a phone call 

"Ricky, piece of advice, you need to mind your own 'queue' (it is like a to-do work pages).  Don't waste your time on the fucking report that the AVP asked you to update on daily."

Then..few days later...another co workers walked by...

"Oh wow...ricky, you are so hard working...you are updating the report? Why are you doing this report? you know, no one cares about your report..."

I admit I am an aggressive achiever at work, or in any field that I involve in.  This comes with a cost of being the target of jealousy in the midst of cubicle politic.  And man, why couldn't I be bitchier..

Nicole~ you are right, I am not mean enough~ teach me to be meaner!! So I can be more eligible for law school...hahaha 

so...

two more days to go before the christmas...four more days to go before my birthday...

Nope...don't feel any celebration spirit at all this year...too much shit happened in the family...to a point I do not even know how to respond.  Then too much shit at work...

Can't wait till Jan interview...then my feb LSAT...so I can finally decide where I will be heading next summer.

I was looking through some facebook pic of friend of friends...who is studying abroad at Waseda and partying every night at Arty Farty...O GOSH! it's so deja vu...!! He's like living the life that I once lived! Freakier part many of his album have the same titles or content that I have...lucky bitch...got to stay in Tokyo for a year...

 I serious miss partying...I sometime wonder if I have passed that age and will lose the capability to shake it off~ lol I hope not...this job can wear me out, but it can't take the rikki outta me! lol 

Anyway...thats it for now...will have more later